Sex With A Stranger

[Editor's note: This article contains sexual content and references]
It was a hot, humid evening two days before her twenty-third birthday, and Amy,* a part-time media intern, had the post-college blues. "I needed a real job and a real apartment — I felt more bored, angst-y and lonely than I'd ever had in my life," she says. That night, Amy clicked away from the New York City rental listings on Craigslist to the Casual Encounters section, a posting board for men and women, many of whom are seeking no-strings sex.
"A lot of my friends had used it," says Amy. "But I'd never had the guts. Now I thought, Why not me?" So she typed in a single line referencing one of her favorite books, Erica Jong's Fear of Flying: "Looking for a Zipless F&%$, Do You Know What That Means?" Then she took a deep breath and hit "post."
Within minutes, dozens of responses flooded in — some salacious, some sincere, some horribly misspelled. With every one, Amy's adrenaline surged: What could happen with him, she wondered. Or him? "First," says Amy, "I deleted the responses without pictures. Then I picked a young-looking guy who lived down the street and told him I was coming over. Even as I wrote to him, I didn't believe I'd do it. But after pacing around my room for a while, I decided, screw it, I'm going to make something happen in my life.
"Ten minutes later, I'm in a stranger's apartment undressing him. It was surreal, but I told myself it was just like online dating, only more to the point, and more empowering."
Hookup or "casual dating" websites like Fling, Sex Search, OnlineBootyCall, AdultFriendFinder, HotorNot, and the Casual Encounters section of Craigslist work a lot like traditional dating sites, only they're much more risqué. On AdultFriendFinder, for example, users check off what they're into: "1-on-1 Sex," "Discreet Relationship," "Erotic Chat/E-mail/Phone Fantasies" or "Group Sex." Forget waiting until the third date; forget dating altogether. Most users on these sites just want to hook up, and they're fueling a booming trend.
The sites are so popular, in fact, that they often outperform mainstream dating sites — by a lot. Match.com, a traditional dating site, had 5 million unique visitors in May. AdultFriendFinder, by comparison, had nearly 24 million, and Fling followed just behind, with 18 million. Statistics show that nearly half of these users are women, mostly in their twenties, thirties and early forties. But who are these women really? Not who you might think. In interview after interview, Glamour learned that, for the most part, they are articulate, thoughtful, even shy — just normal young women who think a quick fix of insta-sex is well worth the risks.
Tragically, it's not always that simple. In April, 25-year-old Julissa Brisman, a part-time student, was killed in a Boston hotel room — allegedly by a 23-year-old medical student who had responded to her post on the (now dismantled) Erotic Services section of Craigslist. Certainly, Brisman's dating experience wasn't typical — she was a "masseuse," offering a service. But it would be naive to assume that the risks she undertook don't exist for the millions of women using these sites. And yet a representative from OnlineBootyCall — which has 50,000 new female users a month — reports a 5 percent increase in female members since Brisman's death.
The obvious question is: Why are so many young women — your colleagues, your neighbors, your study partners, perhaps even your close friends — living this perilous double life?
"I wanted sex without the rules"
Suzanne, 25, a legal secretary in Washington, D.C., explains it this way: "Craigslist helped me get over a breakup. Those two years were my crazy, promiscuous phase!" Suzanne would post an ad, pick a guy and meet him at Starbucks. Then, if she liked him, they'd go back to his place. "My favorite was a hot lawyer with a city apartment," Suzanne says. "I remember he played Rachmaninoff and had world maps on his walls, but I called the shots. He did what I wanted. If you don't let yourself get used or abused, it can be a great tool."
Like Suzanne, many users have a (maybe misguided) confidence that they hold all the power. Marie, 24, who works at an arts nonprofit in Seattle and authors the cheekily titled blog I'm a Craigslist Dating Whore, says the sites give her control. She tried monogamy in college. "It just wasn't me," she says. "One boyfriend treated me badly; I never wanted to feel that again. I wanted to feel empowered." So Marie went online, and she's still there. "I'll say something like, 'Hi, I'm looking for a nice guy to meet. I'm Asian and 24, and I like boxing, video games and good food.' I keep it basic. Guys don't care what you write anyway; they just want to see the photo." Once, she posted an ad saying she just wanted to cuddle. About 50 men responded within a day, but Marie never kids herself about their intentions. "The rule is he's just not that into you."